You are the victim in Amityville 3-D on November 18, 1983


What is it about those cheap cardboard and plastic glasses that can supercharge a mere movie sequel into a phenomenon for the ages? Yes, my friend, I'm talking about those 3-D glasses. Not the fancy ones of today that you have to drop in a box after the movie. I'm talking about the real deal, the OG, with the blue lens and the red lens. Every couple of decades, Hollywood gets a bad case of global amnesia that it can make 3-D movies, and then reintroduces the fad anew. So it did in 80s, and that time around, it was the third installment of a film franchise that would be gifted the three-dimensional treatment. The schlock 3-D trifecta was begun by Friday the 13th Part III and Jaws 3-D, and completed on November 18, 1983, with the release of Amityville 3-D.

The house was back, the windows were eyes again, and this time the tagline screamed, "Warning: In this movie, you are the victim." An all-too-knowing professor in the movie says, "The only thing remotely interesting about it is the house." The house is ultimately the star of the Amityville franchise, a fact made clear by the opening credits of this third chapter, which begin with the demonic light of those iconic architectural eyes. Oddly-chunky titles immediately put your cardboard glasses to work. 

It was a dark and stormy night, indeed. Here comes Tony Roberts in his vintage Mustang, looking like Warren Beatty's stunt double auditioning to play Inspector Gadget. In a meta script twist, his journalist character John Baxter is at the infamous house to debunk a couple of hoaxers, mirror stand-ins for the real-life originators of the whole Amityville ghost story, who had sued the Dino De Laurentiis Corporation, the production company for Amityville 3-D.

But after a séance that goes sideways, the next morning, the house claws back center stage as the home's owner falls through the basement floor to reveal a "gateway to hell," and we're off to the races. 112 Ocean Avenue has never looked so good. Lori Loughlin and Meg Ryan make early, pre-fame appearances in surprisingly substantive roles. A makeshift Oujia board is in the house, daring you to be gullible enough to use it. A box of the 80s thirst quencher Five Alive is in the kitchen. And there's a firebreathing demon in the basement. Where do I sign?

Amid the horror claptrap are a few well-shot dramatic scenes, such as the affecting moment when Baxter's estranged wife follows daughter Susan up the home's staircase, calling after her and getting no answer. What she doesn't know is that Susan has already passed away, the victim of the aforementioned Ouija board. As they say, the house always wins. Of course, Susan isn't really gone...or is she?

The "big brains" like to say the original Amityville Horror was a metaphor for the financial stress American homeowners were under in the 1970s. Well, then, an Amityville flick that expands into all three dimensions is just the movie for the unprecedented housing crisis of our time today. 

But let me use my own big brain to tell you that, at its heart, Amityville 3-D is a metaphor for the scourge of divorce. By 1983, the divorce fad had picked up a head of steam equal to any blast emerging from the basement door of 112 Ocean Avenue. Divorce doesn't just destroy the adults, or even their children. It ravages lives for generations beyond, as damaged offspring careen off the people and situations in their futures. The Baxters broke up, and it cost them dearly. Who says a horror flick that has you dodging stuff emerging from the screen at the drive-in can't pack a heavy sociological wallop?

Yes, this is the time and the season for Amityville 3-D. You'll notice the ever-present gusty winds buffeting the iconic house in this movie, perfect for this time of year when the wind comes down from Canada and rattles the shutters. And never before have the American people been buffeted and rattled in the manner they are today, victimized by a system that is bankrupting them and transferring their wealth to the powerful elites that control it. But like Baxter, they just can't see it, and once they do, they don't have the will to rise up against it...until it's too late. As the professor says near the movie's end, "I've got to confront it!" Time to put those 3-D glasses on.

Location: Amityville, NY 11701, USA

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